"I know what you did": Associations between relationship satisfaction and reported and suspected extramarital sex

Although extradyadic sex has been repeatedly shown to be inversely associated with relationship quality, researchers have rarely evaluated partners' beliefs (or suspicions) of such behavior and the degree to which relationship quality varies as a function of suspected extradyadic sex. This study examined, in a United States probability sample of couples (National Couples Survey; N = 236 couples), the (a) prevalence of cross-tabulations of wives' and husbands' reports of their own history of extramarital sex (i.e., sexual intercourse) and their beliefs about their partner's history of extramarital sex having ever occurred in the couple's relationship, and (b) associations between reported and suspected extramarital sex and current relationship satisfaction. The prevalence of different combinations of spouses' reported history of their own extramarital sex and suspicions of their partner's history of extramarital sex are presented. Results indicated that both spouses' reports of their own history of and their suspicion of their partner's history of extramarital sex were significantly and inversely associated with wives' and husbands' relationship satisfaction. These findings underscore the importance of examining not only respondents' report of their own extramarital sexual involvement but also their beliefs about their partner's extramarital sexual involvement in future research on relationship and individual functioning outcomes associated with extramarital sex.

Self-concealment, secrecy, and guilt

OBJECTIVE

Individuals with a tendency to conceal unflattering information about themselves are more likely to be preoccupied by their secrets and tend to report more negative affect. According to theory, this negative affect is due to self-concealers' conflicting motivation to be authentic in their relationship but fear the negative consequences should they reveal their secrets, which promotes ill-fated attempts to suppress. The purpose of the current study was to test a central component of this model.

METHODS

Two studies of adults who were in a romantic relationship and keeping a secret from their partner (combined N = 635; 67.2% women; Mage  = 39.6, SD = 11.9) were surveyed on four biweekly occasions. Multilevel mediation analyses were conducted to test whether preoccupation and suppression mediated the link between self-concealing and negative affect and guilt.

RESULTS

The data support the hypotheses. Self-concealers were more preoccupied with and prone to suppress their secret than those low on the trait, which, in turn, predicted greater negative affect and guilt.

CONCLUSION

The findings suggest that self-concealers' insecurities and fear of the relational consequences of disclosure set the stage for the debilitating cycle of suppression and preoccupation that leaves them feeling anxious and guilty.

Secrecy in Everyday Life

Secrecy is common, yet we know little about how it plays out in daily life. Most existing research on secrecy is based on methods involving retrospection over long periods of time, failing to capture secrecy "in the wild." Filling this gap, we conducted two studies using intensive longitudinal designs to present the first picture of secrecy in everyday life. We investigated momentary contextual factors and individual differences as predictors of mind-wandering to and concealing secrets. Contextual factors more consistently predicted secrecy experiences than person-level factors. Feeling more negative about a secret predicted a greater likelihood of mind-wandering to the secret. Interacting with the secret target was linked with a greater likelihood of secret concealment. Individual differences were not consistently associated with mind-wandering to secrets. We conclude that daily experiences with secrets may be better predicted by momentary feelings rather than individual differences such as personality traits.

Factors promoting greater preoccupation with a secret

The secrets that are most taxing to one's health and well-being are those that are the most preoccupying to the secret-keeper. However, it is currently unclear what makes a secret preoccupying. We conducted a four-wave longitudinal study to assess four factors that should contribute to one's degree of preoccupation with a secret kept from one's spouse/romantic partner: perceived cost of revealing the secret, frequency of cues, fear of discovery, and individual differences in self-concealment. Multilevel modelling of data from an online sample of 143 adults (51% women, 49% men; M_age  = 39.9, SD = 9.3) keeping a secret from their spouse/partner indicated that all four factors independently and positively predict greater preoccupation with a secret. Further, the first three factors also significantly predicted how preoccupied one would be with one's secret two weeks later, taking into account how preoccupied one was with the secret at present. We conclude that the characteristics of the secret, as well as the secret-keeper, can contribute to how preoccupying a secret is to an individual.